Self Accountability

I want to take you back to when I was right in the thick of treatment back in 2020. It was during that challenging time that I experienced a major Ah Ha moment in my life—one that truly became the driving force behind why I am here today, sharing everything I do with you. Back in 2020, I was deeply immersed in reading and studying nutrition, but so much of it just didn’t add up for me. I followed the diets that medical doctors recommended to improve the success of my treatment, yet I constantly felt exhausted and drained. My options felt incredibly limited, and I did my best to stick to those guidelines despite the obstacles. Balancing that with a demanding work schedule and the particular environment where I was employed made it even tougher to stay consistent.

However hard that was at the time, it was an important step for my well-being. My partner at the time was incredibly supportive of my efforts to take better care of myself and strive toward becoming a stronger, healthier version of me. Since his place was closer to work than mine, he often offered for me to come over and practice yoga in peace and quiet, providing a much-needed calm escape. Meanwhile, my kids were stuck at home during the pandemic, spending countless hours on their computers playing video games and snacking on everything in sight—usually in the most unhealthy ways possible.

I realized that sometimes it was genuinely hard to stay consistent with the habit. One day, after he left for work, I finally started my workout. I struggled deeply. I had absolutely no motivation, no will, and not even the slightest desire to get off his couch. Then, my brain just clicked—this is for you. You need to do this for yourself, not for anyone else but you. You deserve to give some love to yourself. Even though it was only yoga, it felt incredibly challenging for me. At that time, I was also carrying an unhealthy weight, which added to the difficulty. I learned to take it one step at a time: find a shorter video, do the modifications, and just be kind to yourself. But most importantly, just keep moving. Movement is the key. Exercise, stretching, and breath—they all start to flow together, creating a new space for movement both energetically and physically within the body. Your breath and your movement work in harmony to generate fresh energy and a deep sense of love inside you.

If I hadn’t gotten off that couch that day, or truly realized that I needed to take action for myself, I probably wouldn’t be standing here today. It was a crucial turning point in my life. Then, about a year later, I caught Covid—a brutal, relentless flu unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It quickly escalated into a severe infection that nearly cost me my life. I was eventually diagnosed with Failure to Thrive, which, in the simplest terms, means my body was essentially giving up on me. Because I couldn’t make it to my other doctor visits in person, I had to rely on video consultations. During one such appointment, my liver specialist reviewed my lab results, looked me in the eye, and said something that still rings in my mind: "You have Holocaust Syndrome."I went from weighing 175 pounds down to just 95 pounds. The infection I had finally cleared up, but unfortunately, the antibiotics the doctor prescribed ended up destroying the good bacteria in my gut biome. This imbalance in my digestive system then caused me to develop C-Difficile, also known as C-Diff, which brought on a whole new set of health challenges.

I now clearly understand that many of the unhealthy habits I had embraced were genuinely harmful for me. So, I had to take a hard, honest look inward and get right with myself. Playing the blame game would have only dragged me deeper into sickness, both physically and mentally. Instead, I had to pinpoint exactly where my mistakes lay and figure out how to reconcile with myself in the end. This healing process took much longer than a single night—it required patience and persistence. I had to work through intense feelings of anger and grief before I could finally say, "I know you made poor choices, but no more will you make them." Through this journey, I learned one crucial thing: how to slow down and extend genuine grace toward myself. It was a process of relearning, a conscious effort to re-walk my path with renewed strength and self-compassion.

What made me truly realize that it is okay to slow down was the moment I had to give myself genuine compassion while relearning how to use my motor skills to walk again. My body had become incredibly weak and deteriorated through the toll of my sickness and what I once accepted as necessary treatment for my cancer. Looking back now, I understand that I made every one of those choices—most of them driven by fear and a great deal of misinformation. Through this intense and challenging experience, it became clear to me that I am the only person who can truly take care of myself.